Thursday, February 16, 2012

What I think of Twins (a venting, journal post)

(This post is me venting my feelings and thoughts.  It's really more of a journal entry, so read if you want.  It's maybe a little negative, but it's how I feel, so if you read it, then don't lecture me on my attitude.)

I can't find any pictures of it (so maybe I dreampt it) but there was a Wonder Woman episode where she fights evil twins in a warehouse (they both had long blond hair, and might have been robots?  I can't remember). 

I think that show has influenced my opinion of twins.  I think they're a little creepy.

And I think they've hijacked my life.

And it's like I'm expecting my second child-- you know, where you can't imaging loving the new one as much as your one and only child?  I feel like that: how can I love TWO babies?

Maybe that's rediculous, but I'm just documenting how it is.

And to the person who said that this pregnancy will be just like any other once the  idea has settled down: I disagree. 

I already have some of the "symptoms" of the third trimester-- hobbly walk because my ligaments are all crazy, not being able to sleep on my back (actually that NEVER happened with my others, but has already happened this time).  And Moose can't sit on my lap (already) without hurting my belly.  So I don't think I'll be able to just "forget" sometimes that I'm pregnant like I did with the others. 

Plus this time is much more of a strain in all aspects of my life.  Buying a new car isn't in the budget, but now it has to be.  I'll need some new baby gear (though I'm going with the bare minimum & getting second hand as much as possible).  Twice the diapers (I do feel like I NEED to buckle down and do cloth more than I have with Monkey & Moose, but even with the money saved, that's twice as much WORK).  And my Mom suggested that I might need to pay someone to come help out, which seems incredibly impossible--especially if combined with an interruption of my design work.

And I do try to not stress about things-- most of it is out of my control and I recognize that and do my best to put it out of my mind-- but this is a drastic life change, and it's hard to even come to grips with how I feel about things.  And OF COURSE I want to be as prepared as possible...seriously, what mother-to-be DOESN'T?
So I try to fill in the blanks as much as possible. 

I don't know when the babies will come, so I need to get the hospital bag packed early. 
I don't know if I'll be put on bedrest, so I want to know who to call when it happens...and have things ready here to help life continue as normal also.
I don't know if I'll have a c-section or if the babies will have a NICU stay, so I want to have the freezer well stocked with meals.

Gone are my old "pregnancy is a time to get lots of projects done" philosophy.  I keep paring down my to-do list.  I went from "move the girls to a different bedroom and decorate it and make them both new quilts" to buy a bunk bed for them to stay in the same room that they're in.  The downstairs bathroom won't get redecorated, and the downstairs spare room MIGHT get cleaned, but maybe not.

To summarize, I think it's fair to say that I feel like the pregnancy and birth are a major thing to get through...maybe like a marathon (but I've never run one).  And then rather than feeling like I'll get to rest after that, I feel like I'll have a second marathon to run immediately after.  And that's daunting.  I don't know when life will feel normal.  I don't know when I'll be able to go out in public with all of my kids.  I won't be able to pick Chick's school like I'd planned because seriously, like I'll be able to drive her to and from school each day!  Can you imagine me getting there on time when I'm sleep deprived and loading up FIVE kids in the car?!  So she'll just go to the crappy school that she's assigned to (but hopefully just for this year).

There are positives, of course.  I LOVE my kids, and I try to remember that these new ones will be MINE, and I will love them as well.  And it will all work out.  And I do really love babies...with each baby I've had I've loved the baby stage more...having two might just cause my Motherhood joy to completely overflow.

But I think my concerns are valid also.

{Stats: I'm measuring big, but I'll know more about how they're developing next week when I go for an ultrasound.  I haven't gained any weight.  Aside from the health complaints listed above & the recent addition of heartburn, I'm feeling pretty good.  I'm starting to not have fatigue every day. 

I got two new pairs of maternity pants from the thrift store earlier this week, as well as a backpack to use as a diaper bag for when I need both hands free, and a cute maternity cardigan...I should be set on clothes until the weather gets hot...I've never been largely pregnant in the summertime, so I don't have any shorts}


Katie said...

your fears and feelings are completely justified!! I would be worried about all of those things as well. (((hugs!))) hopefully this summer you will have lots of extra helping hands!

Annalia said...

It's definitely craziness. I guess it's easier for me to have confidence in you from a distance, but I know you're up to it. :)

You should just homeschool chick until you feel capable to leaving the house on a daily basis (maybe next year...or the year after that..) Kindergarten is easy peasy and fun! :) (Although, I'm NOT sure how capable you are of doing things the easy way.)

Annalia said...

hmmm...I meant "of" not "to"

nikko said...

I would feel overwhelmed, too.

My advice: Accept any and all offers of help. When someone asks if they can watch your kids for an hour so you can nap, say yes. If someone offers to hold a baby during Relief Society, say yes. If someone asks if you want a baby shower, say yes, you want a shower where people donate service or bring frozen casseroles, rather than clothes and toys that may or may not be useful. If your RS pres asks what you need, don't be shy about saying what's in your heart. If there are financial concerns, don't be afraid to talk to your bishop. That's what fast offerings are for!!!

Yeah, it's hard to admit that you can't do it all. It's hard to swallow pride. I still remember when I was pg with #3 and I broke my tailbone and I couldn't do anything but lay on the couch. My VT came over (she was seriously like 70) and she was so mad (not really, but you know what I mean) that I hadn't asked for help. I remember crying to myself as this sweet woman cleaned my bathrooms that afternoon.

You never know what reasons God has for placing this "trial/blessing" in your life. Maybe there are those around you who need to be able to help you.

Also, I know nothing about your work, but is it possible to cutback/go on hiatus for a year?

If I lived even a tiny bit closer I'd be there in a heartbeat to help out!

At least you have lots of family nearby. That's a luxury I never had for any of my pregnancies!

Tamie said...

This is a beautiful post. Thank you for being honest and real and vulnerable and open about this experience. That honesty will carry you through this. I'm not going to give you any are doing a heroic work and the Lord will bless and MAGNIFY all your efforts tenfold. You have a wonderful family And ward family. Things will work out. You will survive. You will be stronger than before. Love you!!!